Friday, June 7, 2013

Unnamed Ramble

I can’t decide whether putting my story out there for the world to see is therapeutic, or if I’m causing more damage to my psyche by reliving it in my head. Writing in my journal certainly helps, but those aren’t the thoughts I want to share. I’ve been contemplating this the past couple days, while I my head racing and the depression tries to pull me back.

What no one seems to understand, why would I still care about the well-being of a man who broke my heart over and over for so long. The honest answer is, I don’t know. Even more than a year after leaving him, I’m still the one who feels bad. He doesn’t. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. It shouldn’t matter to me whether he does or doesn’t, but old habits are hard to break. I’ve never been the kind of person who can just walk away and never look back.

I fight with myself whether I should have walked away. I wonder whether things could have been better. Maybe I didn’t give it enough of a chance. What’s another eleven years? Could Washington have been the change that we both needed, and I just didn’t give it enough of a chance? If it was, how long was I supposed to wait for his anxiety and anger to subside?

These are the questions I ask myself every day. I know the answers, and the people I love help remind me. I wonder how many other people feel the same way I do about another person. Did he really just settle every time we “worked things out?”

Does it even matter???

I think sometimes it’s the loneliness that gets to me the most. I miss the person I thought I loved, not the one I’ve uncovered over the past year, not the coward that chose to run instead of fight for his family, his daughter. Sometimes I wonder if I really know anyone. Will I ever be able to trust anyone? Do all relationships go through something like what I went through, at least to some extent? He always tried to tell me it was normal, but how could someone who never experienced normal even know what that means?

Divorce from a sociopath has been the most difficult task in my life. I still feel like he is attacking me without words or communication. He’s in my mind, and I’m not sure anymore if the damage is even reversible.