Today
I was reminded how destructive jealousy can be to an otherwise loving
relationship. Not that I needed reminding; the green-eyed monster stole 11
years from my life, and I’m still picking up the pieces.
Before
I was married, I had never been in a relationship with a jealous man. I made a
comment about a man on television having pretty eyes, which caused the first
berating lecture only a month into our relationship. I will never forget the
way it made me feel. I was very scared and numb from shock.
As
time went on, the jealousy got worse and worse. As it turns out, his jealousy
stemmed from his own insecurity, and he was the one that cheated on numerous
occasions. After years of walking on eggshells, it almost seemed normal,
whatever that means. And, by the end of our marriage, I couldn’t comfortably
talk to another man in front of him, not even a server in a restaurant.
The
biggest problem was, he really could trust me. I should never have felt forced
to push friends away. Coulda, shoulda, woulda… it happened, but it won’t ever
happen again. I’ve learned my lesson.
I
can agree some jealousy is healthy. Of course seeing a significant other
flirting or finding some evidence of infidelity is going to bring on fear of
loss. However, if you are in a relationship and there is pressure to change
your behavior or remove people from your life, the problem may be deeper than a
little healthy jealousy.
Some
people feel the need to control their partner. It may not even be apparent in
the beginning. Persons with a narcissistic
personality commonly use subtle forms of manipulation. I have read stories of psychologists falling into the hands of a
sociopath, so it doesn’t matter how educated one is. It can happen to anyone,
and it’s not gender specific. This behavior is certainly more common in men,
but never excludes women from the statistics.
Here
is a list of red flags that everyone should be aware of. If you think you or
someone you know are in a relationship with someone like this, get out if you
can or seek help!
·
Extreme
infatuation with oneself, self-centered, expects to be recognized as superior
·
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power,
success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
·
Sees himself as “special” and should only have to
affiliate with others of a similar stature
·
Takes advantage of others to achieve his needs
·
Demonstrates a constant need for admiration or
approval
·
Exaggerates personal achievements while minimizing
those of others
·
Is convinced that he/she is unique
·
Feels entitled to special treatment and that rules
frequently don’t apply to him
·
May propose love and marriage within only a few
weeks of starting a relationship
·
Very charismatic or charming at first, but can
quickly switch from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde without apparent cause
·
May insist that he know your whereabouts at all
times
·
Demands compliance with his/her expectations
·
Is unable to demonstrate or understand empathy or
compassion
·
Does not seem to feel real happiness or positive
emotions
·
Often criticizes and/or puts others down
·
Assumes himself to be more knowledgeable than those
around him
·
Panics, cries, begs, and becomes emotional if he
anticipates an end to a relationship
·
May harass or stalk you if you do break up
·
Quick to anger or feel insulted or slighted
·
Rages with anger or inflicts the “silent treatment”
when upset
·
Denies he/she has issues to work on – sees
himself/herself as nearly perfect
·
May often take unnecessary risks
·
Frequently humiliates or abuses others, although
he/she doesn’t see it as abuse
·
Sulks when he/she doesn’t get his/her way
·
Nothing is ever his/her fault
·
Drives recklessly and/or way too fast
·
Exaggerates the truth or blatantly lies
·
Rarely treats anyone with respect or kindness
·
Doesn’t acknowledge or respect other’s boundaries
·
Always wants to be in control
·
May drink and drive regularly
·
His/her need for attention, time, and space matter –
yours do not
·
Has difficulty putting himself/herself in another’s
shoes
·
Uses sex as a weapon – through withholding,
controlling, or being overly demanding
·
Rarely recognizes the accomplishments or abilities
of others
·
Doesn’t appear to have a conscience
·
Does not take criticism well and becomes defensive
easily
·
Rarely expresses appreciation of others
·
Is easily hurt and insulted
·
Considers most others in the world “idiots”
·
Shows no feelings of remorse or guilt for his/her
mistakes or the hurts he/she dishes out
·
Wins most arguments through the use of rationalizing
his/her behavior
·
Blames others for all his/her problems
·
Frequently complains that whatever you do, it isn’t
“good enough”
·
Is often paranoid – thinks people are talking about
him/her behind his/her back
·
Has a hard time accepting the opinions or ideas of
others
·
May attempt to limit loved ones from spending time
with others
·
May want to have complete control of the family money
·
Always has to win any argument
·
Is often envious of others, or thinks others envy
him/her
·
May feel entitled to go through your purse, closet,
or other personal belongings without your permission
·
His/her attitude is generally haughty or arrogant
·
Rarely can understand another’s point of view
·
Expects you to read his/her mind when he/she wants
something
·
Hates to stand in line – he/she shouldn’t have to,
as his/her time is more valuable than others
·
Frequently “forgets” to give birthday and holiday
cards and gifts to loved ones
·
May ignore you or be indifferent to you for no
reason
·
Leaves others feeling as though they need to “walk
on eggshells” around him
·
Hates to be thought of as ordinary or average
·
Is desperate to have the biggest house, car, bank
account, or title
·
Often leaves you feeling guilty, drained, fearful,
exhausted, just plain stupid, and most of all, wondering how you got there
List
courtesy of http://www.outoftheboxx.com/quizzes/narcissism.htm
Image courtesy of http://tinyurl.com/lxpw2yf
No comments:
Post a Comment