#WhyIStayed

There is a treading topic on Twitter right now that says #WhyIStayed.  It really struck me when I saw it. It's hard to pinpoint one reason why I stayed for 11 years. I could say it's because I loved him, but that's not true because how do you love a stranger?

It always comes back to fear for me. On all different levels. Fear about the reaction and destruction. Which is why I chose to flee.

However, on a more positive note, some are including #WhyILeft in their tweets. I wasn't in a place of considering myself. It was all about protecting my children from the destruction of long term exposure to domestic violence. I read one short article about the symptoms it creates, and I was gone the next day without truly thinking about it. Almost like I didn't have a choice.

Two and a half years later, I know, without a doubt, I made the right choice.

Brick by Brick

How do you open your heart to someone new when it's been so damaged? Just jump.

I am so acutely aware of red flags. I will never again settle for anything that my inner world doesn't agree with. Being single is really much better than some give it credit for. Why would I consider giving that up? It certainly won't happen for just anyone.

I have to admit, I'm proud of myself. There have been so many chances to settle. It won't happen. Not again. It's so much easier to just say, "Fuck off." Its amazing how many people won't do just that. Just walk away! I used to think I didn't deserve better. I see my self worth now, and I know I do.

There are a lot of things in life that would be less frustrating with a partner, but it's not something I need.

But, then he walked into my world and made me question the wall that has been securely built around my heart.

Brick by brick.

Dreaming

It seems my most negative days come right after a night of vivid dreaming. I think, in some ways, I miss the life I used to know. Dreams come as reminders of the emotional trauma that made me walk away from that life.

Last night I was taken back to that place, but it was as if I had never created a new world. As I lay there sleeping, even in the dream, I was audience to beautiful brown eyes making conversation with my past, in the home where it all crumbled.

It felt surreal, as if I may wake up at any moment living in that world again. Like my life now is actually the dream.