Beautiful Liar

How much should one person have to deal with throughout a relationship? When does love stop being enough? Can two people truly be together if they can’t be honest with each other?

In 2007, Blueturtle met someone else, so we separated for a second time. Unlike the first separation, it was not an assumption there was another woman. it was reality. We were living in the apartment I had rented in 2005, and he was dating another woman right in front of me. A woman he said was his kindred spirit. I quickly went to work drafting our disillusionment papers. I wanted him out! Within a month he was so deep down the rabbit hole, he walked away from his steady job, and his only means of getting out. According to him, this woman had accepted his marriage proposal.

What he doesn’t know, I eventually became quite close to her, and she shared her side of the story with me. He was doing what pathological liars do best. She said his stories just never seemed to add up, and sometimes it seemed he rehearsed his rants. Looking back, I was just too naïve to see through the bullshit.

His lies were so elaborate there was no way he could have ever proved them. He tried everything to get her back after she saw through him. He even went as far as to tell her he had received an inheritance from his Uncle; a brown stone in Boston. He sold it, and had over a quarter million dollars in the bank.  This was after she told him he was crazy and scared her.

I look back and think how foolish I was to keep him around after having all this information. He told her in an email he had settled on me because I had a small child. She tried contacting me once while they were dating, but I ignored the text. I was too caught up in my own truth to try to relate to hers. Maybe having more information while we were separated (but living together) would have made a difference, but if I’m being honest with myself, it probably wouldn’t have. I just carried this information around with me, and let it eat at me from the inside.

We both decided, although we liked each other very much, if I was going to be with him, I couldn’t be friends with her. I would have had to keep it secret, so I said good bye.

I reconnected with her after my divorce papers were filed. She was scared to talk to me until she saw proof of Blueturtle’s absence. We spend some time together, and she helped me a lot, but our time together has ended. I think maybe it was too much for her, or she was trying to make up for wronging me, but I never blamed her. He lied to me, but I think his lies went far deeper with her. As far as she knew, he had been trying to divorce me for over a year. He had her fooled, everyone he worked with fooled, but in the end, I was the biggest fool. I knew so many truths about him, but I still chose to stay by his side for five more years.

Peace

As I lay here, surrounded by darkness, another day is behind me. I hope for peaceful dreams, and to wake up tomorrow to the beautiful, smiling faces of my children. 

Today I let the sun warm my skin while I watched the kids splash in the pool. I hugged them both and told them how much I love them. 

I am finally finding a bit of peace in my life. Friends, family, and my babies -- love in all facets of my life. 

To live my life through love, I will have lived my life completely. 

The Cycle of Despair

Depression is a devious cycle, and something I’ve dealt with since puberty. It sneaks up on me when I least expect, like an old friend I really just don’t want to see. The feeling of sadness for no particular reason is very difficult to explain to someone who has never experienced it before.

Sadly, my depression combined with Blueturtle’s rage anger made for quite a toxic environment. We fed like vampires off each others emotions; the more depressed I was, the angrier he became, and vice versa. It would have been so simple just to seek help, but we didn’t.

The true source of my depression stemmed from a combination of postpartum and losing my job, our primary source of income. I happily traded the job that made me miserable for more time with my daughter, who was only five months old at the time. I stayed home for the first year with my son, and it killed me to leave my daughter every day. Some days, when I got home from work, she seemed to be mad at me.

I think being home caused some resentment from my spouse, although he always said it made him feel less than adequate as a man not providing for his family. Ironically, he doesn’t seem to care to provide for his daughter now. I’m certain he’s trying to find a way to get out of paying child support. Time will tell. It bothers me more to hear my daughter say, “I miss Daddy.”

Being involved in such a volatile relationship has provided me with the opportunity to heal from all my past wounds. I have finally found a way to cope with the depression, and stop letting it take over my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t still have bad days. Sometimes the only thing I want to do is sleep, or cry, or both. Most of my days, however, I can find a smile.

A few things that have helped me…

·         Antidepressants – I can’t stand the idea of being dependent on a chemical, but sometimes people just need the extra help. I’m glad a gave in.

·         Therapy – Finding someone to talk to wasn’t easy. The first few times were terrible. The woman listened to me talk while she wrote on her tablet. Could it have been more stereotypical? I did finally find a very good therapist, albeit expensive, and she’s been wonderful.

·         WRITING!! – This blog isn’t just about getting my story out there. It’s very therapeutic! I have multiple journals and means for expression. The blog is definitely a spirit booster. I’ve been blown away by how many people have already read my posts. I can only hope to help just one person, if only just to smile, then I will have accomplished what I set out to do.

·         Staying positive – Even on my worst days, I look for the positive in things. No matter how bad you think the situation is, there is always a silver lining. Always. I will admit, sometimes I need help figuring out what it is, but that’s what my friends are for.

·         Spirituality – I am not a religious person at all. I can’t honestly say I believe there is a deity, but I’m not an atheist either. I follow the Buddhism the closest, but I don’t consider myself a Buddhist either. I believe everything is equality good and evil. What matters is how we choose, as individuals, to behave every day. There is no evil in love, so love is my religion.

·         Staying active – This one can be tough for me. I’m naturally lazy. I try to do something, even if it’s small, every day. Today I spent most of the day at the pool with my kids. They had a good time, and the sun felt wonderful on my skin. I even met some of my new neighbors.

·         Don’t take anything personally – Another difficult task for me, but it’s getting much easier. What other people think of me doesn’t matter. I can only control my own thoughts and actions. If someone attacks me or says something hurtful, I wonder what is wrong and how I can help, because what others say to me is only a reflection of them.

·         Don’t make assumptions – It’s hard to do, but never assume to know what someone else is thinking or what their motivation is.

·         Let go of the past – Because it’s just that, the past. It can’t be changed. It can only serve as a lesson.

·         Turn off the TV – Everything we see on the news is so depressing! The talking heads remind us how terrible everything is, and drive fear into us. I can’t tell you how much better I feel ignoring it all. I still love certain shows and film, but I don’t miss TV… not even a little bit.

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” ~ Dr. Seuss

The New Meat Market

Online dating has become something of a metropolis. Although I met my ex-husband online, it’s nothing like it was eleven years ago. Or, maybe it is, only more common.

I’m not sure if people know how to socialize the way we once did. It’s ridiculous, really. We all sit in front of our screens, have a little bit of interaction with each other via text or social networking, and then don’t need to actually see each other. Why would we? Everyone already knows everything, so there’s nothing left to talk about.

I’m not a bar person; never have been. Going out for an occasional drink, or to see a live band is fun, but making it a nightly or even a weekly outing just isn’t for me. I would rather do other things. Oh, and I have kids to take care of. Despite the craziness they cause, I still love to spend time with them and I’ve never been one to find a sitter much.

These men, what can I say!? Maybe I’ve become a little sheltered, but I really don’t want to see a picture of your penis, especially if I haven’t even met you!! Just stop it.

I think because I’ve become acutely cognizant of the people I encounter, it’s easier to weed out the bad eggs. This method certainly offers a wider variety of men than traditional dating, but the downfall is, most of them are just looking for sex. And, it’s not just men who are looking for sex, so when the code words “movie and cuddle” aren’t reciprocated, they just find someone who will.

Being picky isn’t a bad thing; quality over quantity, in all facets of life! Like buying a home or a car, a relationship is something I want to last, so why settle on something I know won’t. I can take care of my kids and myself, so I’ll be single until I meet a man who deserves me.

Wisdom is a beautiful thing!

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Mom, Mom, Mum, Mummy, Mummy, Mom

 If there is one thing I will never stop doing, it’s telling my kids that I love them. No matter how much they drive me insane, with their fighting with each other and arguing with me, they are still my reason, my strength, my life.

The depth of my love for them is what makes it so hard to understand how some people can so easily stop fighting for their children. I’m certainly not the world’s greatest mom, as I sit here hiding from them in my room, but they would have the shirt off my back if they needed it.

My son’s biological father was not a bad person, but he got caught up in a lot of very bad things. He split as soon as I told him I was pregnant, and never had the chance to meet his beautiful son before he killed himself with a heroin overdose in 2011. His mother has tried to be present over the past year, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to be the daughter she seems to want me to be. After twelve years of silence, it still came down to me to make some kind of a relationship work. My son is almost 13 years old, so I am leaving this to him. It’s up to him if he wants to have a relationship with the people who chose to ignore his existence for so long.

I know from experience with my own father, sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try. Sometimes people are so hung up on the past, it’s impossible for them to live in the now. I wiped my slate clean on April 14, 2012. My past matters, but it’s in the past. I’m done looking back.

My ex-husband is Dad to both my children. I know he loved them, even if sometimes he showed it poorly. He doesn’t fight for them either. I would certainly give him the chance to prove he could handle being in their lives, but he doesn’t try. In fact, he has been running from the fight for fourteen months. I never saw that coming when I left. I thought he was a fighter, when in reality he is the exact opposite. Sure, it wouldn’t be easy, and we would have to deal with each other, but nothing worth anything is ever easy!

After all is said and done, they are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. They make me smile and laugh. They push every one of my buttons over and over and over. But, no matter how hard it gets, we have each other and they know they can count on me. If they grow up happy, I will know I have done a good job.

My Side of the Bed

I have to admit, it's lonely without you here. I think about you more than I care to admit, even if it is a bit foolish. 

Sometimes I would like to trade the loneliness for more of the good times. I don't discount them, Blueturtle. 

Maybe one day I will forget all the good and only remember the bad. 

It couldn't come too soon. 

I still sleep on one side of the bed. I try to force myself into the middle but always find myself back on the edge. 

No matter where my thoughts or words take me, you are never welcome here again. 

Stick a steak knife in it. They seem to fix most things. 

That reminds me -- I need to buy steak knives. 

The Green Eyed Monster

Today I was reminded how destructive jealousy can be to an otherwise loving relationship. Not that I needed reminding; the green-eyed monster stole 11 years from my life, and I’m still picking up the pieces.

Before I was married, I had never been in a relationship with a jealous man. I made a comment about a man on television having pretty eyes, which caused the first berating lecture only a month into our relationship. I will never forget the way it made me feel. I was very scared and numb from shock.

As time went on, the jealousy got worse and worse. As it turns out, his jealousy stemmed from his own insecurity, and he was the one that cheated on numerous occasions. After years of walking on eggshells, it almost seemed normal, whatever that means. And, by the end of our marriage, I couldn’t comfortably talk to another man in front of him, not even a server in a restaurant.

The biggest problem was, he really could trust me. I should never have felt forced to push friends away. Coulda, shoulda, woulda… it happened, but it won’t ever happen again. I’ve learned my lesson.

I can agree some jealousy is healthy. Of course seeing a significant other flirting or finding some evidence of infidelity is going to bring on fear of loss. However, if you are in a relationship and there is pressure to change your behavior or remove people from your life, the problem may be deeper than a little healthy jealousy.

Some people feel the need to control their partner. It may not even be apparent in the beginning. Persons with a narcissistic personality commonly use subtle forms of manipulation. I have read stories of psychologists falling into the hands of a sociopath, so it doesn’t matter how educated one is. It can happen to anyone, and it’s not gender specific. This behavior is certainly more common in men, but never excludes women from the statistics.

Here is a list of red flags that everyone should be aware of. If you think you or someone you know are in a relationship with someone like this, get out if you can or seek help!

·         Extreme infatuation with oneself, self-centered, expects to be recognized as superior

·         Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

·         Sees himself as “special” and should only have to affiliate with others of a similar stature

·         Takes advantage of others to achieve his needs

·         Demonstrates a constant need for admiration or approval

·         Exaggerates personal achievements while minimizing those of others

·         Is convinced that he/she is unique

·         Feels entitled to special treatment and that rules frequently don’t apply to him

·         May propose love and marriage within only a few weeks of starting a relationship

·         Very charismatic or charming at first, but can quickly switch from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde without apparent cause

·         May insist that he know your whereabouts at all times

·         Demands compliance with his/her expectations

·         Is unable to demonstrate or understand empathy or compassion

·         Does not seem to feel real happiness or positive emotions

·         Often criticizes and/or puts others down

·         Assumes himself to be more knowledgeable than those around him

·         Panics, cries, begs, and becomes emotional if he anticipates an end to a relationship

·         May harass or stalk you if you do break up

·         Quick to anger or feel insulted or slighted

·         Rages with anger or inflicts the “silent treatment” when upset

·         Denies he/she has issues to work on – sees himself/herself as nearly perfect

·         May often take unnecessary risks

·         Frequently humiliates or abuses others, although he/she doesn’t see it as abuse

·         Sulks when he/she doesn’t get his/her way

·         Nothing is ever his/her fault

·         Drives recklessly and/or way too fast

·         Exaggerates the truth or blatantly lies

·         Rarely treats anyone with respect or kindness

·         Doesn’t acknowledge or respect other’s boundaries

·         Always wants to be in control

·         May drink and drive regularly

·         His/her need for attention, time, and space matter – yours do not

·         Has difficulty putting himself/herself in another’s shoes

·         Uses sex as a weapon – through withholding, controlling, or being overly demanding

·         Rarely recognizes the accomplishments or abilities of others

·         Doesn’t appear to have a conscience

·         Does not take criticism well and becomes defensive easily

·         Rarely expresses appreciation of others

·         Is easily hurt and insulted

·         Considers most others in the world “idiots”

·         Shows no feelings of remorse or guilt for his/her mistakes or the hurts he/she dishes out

·         Wins most arguments through the use of rationalizing his/her behavior

·         Blames others for all his/her problems

·         Frequently complains that whatever you do, it isn’t “good enough”

·         Is often paranoid – thinks people are talking about him/her behind his/her back

·         Has a hard time accepting the opinions or ideas of others

·         May attempt to limit loved ones from spending time with others

·         May want to have complete control of the family money

·         Always has to win any argument

·         Is often envious of others, or thinks others envy him/her

·         May feel entitled to go through your purse, closet, or other personal belongings without your permission

·         His/her attitude is generally haughty or arrogant

·         Rarely can understand another’s point of view

·         Expects you to read his/her mind when he/she wants something

·         Hates to stand in line – he/she shouldn’t have to, as his/her time is more valuable than others

·         Frequently “forgets” to give birthday and holiday cards and gifts to loved ones

·         May ignore you or be indifferent to you for no reason

·         Leaves others feeling as though they need to “walk on eggshells” around him

·         Hates to be thought of as ordinary or average

·         Is desperate to have the biggest house, car, bank account, or title

·         Often leaves you feeling guilty, drained, fearful, exhausted, just plain stupid, and most of all, wondering how you got there

List courtesy of  http://www.outoftheboxx.com/quizzes/narcissism.htm

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