#WhyIStayed

There is a treading topic on Twitter right now that says #WhyIStayed.  It really struck me when I saw it. It's hard to pinpoint one reason why I stayed for 11 years. I could say it's because I loved him, but that's not true because how do you love a stranger?

It always comes back to fear for me. On all different levels. Fear about the reaction and destruction. Which is why I chose to flee.

However, on a more positive note, some are including #WhyILeft in their tweets. I wasn't in a place of considering myself. It was all about protecting my children from the destruction of long term exposure to domestic violence. I read one short article about the symptoms it creates, and I was gone the next day without truly thinking about it. Almost like I didn't have a choice.

Two and a half years later, I know, without a doubt, I made the right choice.

Brick by Brick

How do you open your heart to someone new when it's been so damaged? Just jump.

I am so acutely aware of red flags. I will never again settle for anything that my inner world doesn't agree with. Being single is really much better than some give it credit for. Why would I consider giving that up? It certainly won't happen for just anyone.

I have to admit, I'm proud of myself. There have been so many chances to settle. It won't happen. Not again. It's so much easier to just say, "Fuck off." Its amazing how many people won't do just that. Just walk away! I used to think I didn't deserve better. I see my self worth now, and I know I do.

There are a lot of things in life that would be less frustrating with a partner, but it's not something I need.

But, then he walked into my world and made me question the wall that has been securely built around my heart.

Brick by brick.

Dreaming

It seems my most negative days come right after a night of vivid dreaming. I think, in some ways, I miss the life I used to know. Dreams come as reminders of the emotional trauma that made me walk away from that life.

Last night I was taken back to that place, but it was as if I had never created a new world. As I lay there sleeping, even in the dream, I was audience to beautiful brown eyes making conversation with my past, in the home where it all crumbled.

It felt surreal, as if I may wake up at any moment living in that world again. Like my life now is actually the dream.

The Pursuit of Life

I'm lying to myself and everyone else if I try to say this journey is about anyone but me. A jack-of-all-trades, I'm that person who has tried many things leading to the same conclusion; this is not the word to describe me. The problem is, I know what I want to do, and I think I always have, but I don't seem to know how. 

The day-to-day mundane life of a repiticious job is not for me. Sitting idly makes me miserable, which in turn makes sharing my company annoying for most people. I'm honestly just not happy. Not in this life and clearly not in my previous life either, but I'm the only one who can fix it. Trying to find happiness in another person is a mistake I'm done making. 

I've always given myself to other people; tried to fill in the void other people have. In truth, the void is within myself. Maybe I've always known, maybe I'm just now figuring it out; I'm not sure. 

It doesn't take away from the love I have for the people in my life, but it does give me more of an understanding of what I need to do for myself. Having two kids in tow makes everything a little more difficult to obtain, but nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough. 

I was seven or eight the first time I remember seeing the mountains; the Smokie Mountains of Tennessee. I thought, 'Someday I want to live here.' I was very lucky to get a chance to travel so much as a child. Because my parents divorced when I was 11, I enjoyed two vacations a year. I realize as an adult, I don't want to live in Tennessee. What I really want is to travel the world. Where I live doesn't matter, as long as I don't become idle. 

I've been stuck in idle the majority of my adult life, and I'm tired of it. It's time to do something about it. 

Leaving my 'stuff' behind helped me cut ties from material possessions. I don't need any of it. Everything I have makes me comfortable, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make me happy, and being happy is more important than having stuff. 

Several years ago, after both my husband and I had lost our jobs, we spent months researching how to move away and survive the world as minimalists with children. We had a fantastic plan laid out that only we knew about, and then he got his dream job working for the bookstore. It changed everything. Looking back, I wish we would have stayed the course. I wonder how things would have turned out if we had? I can't continue living a life of what ifs. They keep me up at night, and keep my mind wandering during the day. 

There is an answer to all this mindlessness. I intend to do something about it. It makes me sad that I don't have a partner to share it with, but that was a choice I made and I have to live with it. I am not one, I am three, so I'm not alone. I'm going to give these kids a different kind of chance. There is a world out there waiting to be discovered. Now is the time to get busy living. I'm tired of watching my life pass me by. There is more to it than just this. 

Children of Divorce

When my parents divorced, so many years ago, I remember being devastated. My world was literally torn in two. I didn't enjoy going to my father's house. He was very strict. No so unusual for the time; the leather strap hanging from the microwave cart was quite a deterrent.

I know his heart was broken. I understand how that feels now more than ever. I also understand how hard it is to put focus on others while being strangled by sorrow and grief. 

When there are children involved, it is immensely important to remember, they didn't ask to be a part of this, but the pain is just as real for them. I have to say, as someone who's experienced both sides, for me, it's harder as an adult, but that doesn't diminish the pain I felt as a child. It was harder to understand, making ignorance bliss.

So many people forget the pain their children must be feeling while they are trying to hurt their ex, or are preoccupied with new potential dates, or both. 

Every mean word you say to or about your child's other parent will resonate with them. Every new person they see you with will be remembered. And, whether you like it or not, one day they will most like find out what caused the marriage to end. 

I suppose how they feel about it will depend on how much they still hurt. 

I promised myself and my children many years ago I will always be honest with them. Without honesty, how can we as parents expect them to be honest with us? I would much rather my children come to me when something is happening than for them to learn the hard way. 

Here Without You

If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure in the hell don't deserve me at my best. 

We all have bad days. How those bad days effect us on our good day depends on us. My last post was an example of a bad day, but today is a new day. I strive to move forward and find the happiness I know is within myself. I don't rely on anyone or anything to help me find it. I'm still checking doors from the hallway, but each day the light is a little brighter. Two steps forward, one step back ... It's still progress!

The people who knew me a year ago still tell me how strong I am, although most days I don't feel so strong. I have to gather the strength to live and be happy, if not for myself, for my children. I'm lucky to have those people to remind me. I'm also very lucky that, even though some of them are thankful I did what I did, they also understand my anguish and the fight I have within myself almost daily. 

Maybe the bad days got to be too much for me to handle. I had to walk away. I had to protect my children; more specifically, my son, who is so much different than he was a year ago. His spirit is bright again. He smiles, laughs, and acts goofy just like a twelve year old should. 

Something is missing, and the three of us together get by however we can, although we all know it isn't the same anymore. The one who made us laugh the most hides away in the foothills. 

The help he's getting may be working. I certainly hope so, anyway. I wouldn't know because from my perspective he's still hiding when there are people in this world who love him for who he really is. The real him, not the lie he has created for everyone else to believe. 

It was only a matter of time before my nerves had enough, but you're still with me in my dreams. It gets hard, but it won't take away my love. 

Unnamed Ramble

I can’t decide whether putting my story out there for the world to see is therapeutic, or if I’m causing more damage to my psyche by reliving it in my head. Writing in my journal certainly helps, but those aren’t the thoughts I want to share. I’ve been contemplating this the past couple days, while I my head racing and the depression tries to pull me back.

What no one seems to understand, why would I still care about the well-being of a man who broke my heart over and over for so long. The honest answer is, I don’t know. Even more than a year after leaving him, I’m still the one who feels bad. He doesn’t. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. It shouldn’t matter to me whether he does or doesn’t, but old habits are hard to break. I’ve never been the kind of person who can just walk away and never look back.

I fight with myself whether I should have walked away. I wonder whether things could have been better. Maybe I didn’t give it enough of a chance. What’s another eleven years? Could Washington have been the change that we both needed, and I just didn’t give it enough of a chance? If it was, how long was I supposed to wait for his anxiety and anger to subside?

These are the questions I ask myself every day. I know the answers, and the people I love help remind me. I wonder how many other people feel the same way I do about another person. Did he really just settle every time we “worked things out?”

Does it even matter???

I think sometimes it’s the loneliness that gets to me the most. I miss the person I thought I loved, not the one I’ve uncovered over the past year, not the coward that chose to run instead of fight for his family, his daughter. Sometimes I wonder if I really know anyone. Will I ever be able to trust anyone? Do all relationships go through something like what I went through, at least to some extent? He always tried to tell me it was normal, but how could someone who never experienced normal even know what that means?

Divorce from a sociopath has been the most difficult task in my life. I still feel like he is attacking me without words or communication. He’s in my mind, and I’m not sure anymore if the damage is even reversible.